The Specter of 9/11

I suppose that you wouldn’t expect a blog about a woman’s quest to have a baby would have an entry about September 11^th. However, in my case, the two seemingly disparate topics are inextricably linked. After the attack at the World Trade Center, I worked for nearly six months as a Salvation Army volunteer at what came to be known as Ground Zero. It was a transformative experience in so many ways. I gained an incredible sense of fulfillment from being able to do my part to help in the relief effort, even if my part was just serving up food or sweeping the floor for eight hours one memorable night (I even got a somewhat condescending sweeping lesson from a supervisor in front of ABC anchor Peter Jennings).

That experience also led me directly to seek a new path, which resulted in my brief but fascinating Foreign Service career. That experience, in turn, led me directly to the Fulbright Classroom Teacher Exchange Program, which allowed me to teach in London for a year. From my time at Ground Zero, to my Foreign Service Experience, to my year in England, I grew a great deal as a person, and I made friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It’s a testament to the truth that incredible good can come from incredible evil.

But, of course, incredible evil comes on the heels of incredible evil as well. The evil that I’m talking about in this case is not the recognized evil of the lives lost on that day, but the lives lost since that day, and the men and women who continue to struggle with 9/11-related illnesses. No one wants to talk about it, but the truth is, the victims of September 11^th may never be fully tallied. Dedicated people, like John Feal of the Fealgood Foundation, and the people behind the scenes at the 9/11 Health Registry continue to advocate for those who suffer every day.

That’s where these topics collide. I have mentioned the loss of my parents before, but I have not mentioned that there has been speculation about whether my mother’s uterine cancer could have been linked to the time she spent volunteering with my at Ground Zero. Given that she had no other risk factors, it was deemed a viable possibility, enough so that she was honored with her name on the 9/11 Responders Remembered Wall. Of course, it’s impossible to know for sure because cancer is such a complex disease and sometimes people just get sick. But, as more research is done, there seems to be more evidence that women’s reproductive cancers could be linked to Ground Zero toxins.

So then there’s me. I haven’t exactly stuck my head in the ground when it comes to 9/11 health issues. I know, for example, that my time down there did result in my now having mild asthma. But, I have to admit, I have shied away a bit from the health monitoring and screening. At the beginning, it was because I didn’t want anything to affect my medical clearance for the Foreign Service. Afterward, I told myself to register, but somehow I keep putting it off. Maybe I don’t want to acknowledge that I could become ill from my time as a volunteer. I had successfully ignored it for a while, until last week, when I got an email from a friend who is involved with the health registry. They are putting together a new survey for participants and are trying to decide if questions about women’s reproductive cancers, as well as fertility issues, should be included in the new survey.

Guess I can’t ignore it anymore. Could the fertility issues that I have experienced, like the low egg reserve, be linked to Ground Zero toxins? I asked Dr. K about it, and he said that he has never heard of a link before. Of course, that’s not definitive is it? The whole point of deciding whether to include these questions on the survey is to try to figure out if a link exists. Determining a causal relationship may be next to impossible, but if we can determine a pattern, then maybe, in time, something can be done. Of course, I don’t have that kind of time (in terms of childbearing years), and even if I could say today that my issues were related to Ground Zero toxins, it wouldn’t really change anything. Regardless of what caused these issues, they exist, and we just have to deal with them. I don’t think Dr. K would change the treatment – what would we change?

That said, the specter looms. Will I ever know for sure? Does it matter in the end? And, most importantly, would I have changed anything twelve years ago if I had known how things would turn out? I honestly believe the answer to all of those questions is no. I also believe that there is no value in dwelling in/on the past. Without a TARDIS, I can’t change it, even if I wanted to. And, I know, in my heart, I wouldn’t be the person I am, in the place I am, if everything (the good and the bad) had not gone exactly as it did.