Tick, Tick . . . um, Boom?

So I haven’t written anything in a while, because there hasn’t really been anything to write about. At least, that was true for the first couple of weeks. I’ve learned that, once you have a failed cycle, and you need to wait for the next one, it’s kind of like sitting in a boring class (we’ll say Math, as a random example), and watching the clock tick the minutes by. Unlike the two-week period after doing an IUI, where you are anxiously wondering whether it worked, and worrying that it didn’t, the period after you know it fails consists largely of a dull routine of getting up every morning and peeing on a stick. So, every morning is one more Tick on the clock, until one morning, Boom! You have a positive result and it’s time to do the next procedure.

But, what happens when there’s no Boom? The Boom is what it’s all about. You rely on the Boom to make up for all the Ticks. And when there’s no Boom, what the hell do you then? Guess that’s what I found out this month. I kept doing the ovulation tests every morning and, by Day 16 of my cycle (very late for ovulation, especially for me), I still had not received a positive result. No Boom. I also had not had any symptoms of ovulation. Of course, that means, no IUI. But, I was leaving for Los Angeles the next day, to try my luck again pitching my screenplays, and I knew this was my only chance this month to do it. So, despite the fact that there was no Boom, I called and scheduled the procedure anyway  (I lied to them that I had gotten a positive result, but I did come clean to Dr. K later).

So, procedure done, I headed off to LA. I continued testing, and I never did get a Boom. For perhaps the first time in my life, I didn’t ovulate. Sucky timing, that. Another month lost, and confidence shaken. If I didn’t ovulate this month, what about next month? How can I rely on ovulating in future months? Am I going to be able to get pregnant? I know it’s probably a bit of an overreaction, but if stress made me not ovulate, isn’t this just adding more stress? Does that mean it will cause me not to ovulate again? And what if the lack of ovulation is a sign of something else?

Well, I got a period on Friday, and did my Day Three Bloodwork today. And the result is that I have high estrogen levels. I’m really starting to wish that I had insisted on having the bloodwork last month, even though the nurse said it was unnecessary. Maybe we would have discovered this sooner. Anyway, there’s a lot of reasons my estrogen may be high, and I’m already starting to worry about what it might mean, especially with mom’s history. The doctor said it could be a sign of more cysts. Tomorrow I have to go in for an ultrasound and more bloodwork.  I also have to make an appointment for an HSG test, to see if there is any blockage in the fallopian tubes. So, two uncomfortable procedures in one week. What choice do I have, really?

To be honest, all I keep thinking is, did I wait too long? Did I somehow just slam head-on into the wall of infertility, right when I finally got everything together to do this? If I had done all this a year ago, would it have been OK? I know that’s borrowing trouble. I should just wait until I actually get the tests done. But I’m a first-class worrier, and I know it’s all I’m going to do until I know something for sure.

Is it really too much to ask for a Boom?