New Year's Wishes

First, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I hate New Year’s. Always have. As a kid it would make me very depressed. While everyone else saw it as the dawn of a new year and the promise of new beginnings, I saw it as the end of another year, and couldn’t see why people would be so happy to lose another year of their lives. That was a bit of a fixation for me as a kid, actually. Every time I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, my wish was always the same – to freeze time so that everyone I loved would stay the same forever. No one would get older and nothing would change. I always feared losing the happy childhood and family togetherness that I was privileged to enjoy as a child. Yeah, I was a real cheerful kid.

In retrospect, maybe my younger self knew something subconsciously. At any rate, I dreaded New Year’s every year, but still made a point to try and enjoy the family parties at Gilbert Place. Today, I have a much more mature attitude toward it all, but I’m still not a big fan of the holiday. My reasons are a bit different now, I suppose. I guess what troubles me these days is partly missing the parties of old. New Year’s is a lot quieter now. But I also have issues with the illusion of it all. First, everyone feels the pressure to do something amazing, and have someone to kiss at midnight (as a kid, New Year’s was about family, so I really didn’t understand this part of it). There’s a sense that you’re lacking somehow if you don’t have incredible plans.

Then there’s the whole New Year’s Resolution thing. I don’t know why people think that one day is going to change their whole lives – or why they think they are more likely to make a change today than any other day. In the end, people make all kinds of unrealistic plans for themselves, and when they fail to fulfill them, they just end up feeling bad for themselves. I think people would be a lot happier if they didn’t make New Year’s resolutions and just tried to live a good life every day.

Anyway, this is all a long-winded way of explaining why the title of this entry is “New Year’s Wishes” and not “New Year’s Resolutions.” I don’t have resolutions. Sure I need to lose wait and I need to write more and I want to find online work and to get an agent and to sell books and scripts and all kids of stuff. But I’m not going to promise myself that all of these things will happen and end up disappointed in myself. What I have for 2014 are wishes – or one wish, really. I just want to get pregnant with a healthy baby. Even the last day of 2013 brought discouraging news – bloodwork showed elevated HCG beta levels. After IVF, this is a good thing because it is a sign of pregnancy. Before IVF, not so much. So far it has belayed me being able to start the next cycle. I go for more bloodwork tomorrow, but then I leave for London the next day (Mother Nature willing!), and everything will be set back another month. And I worry it will mean that I can’t try another IVF with my own eggs. As much as I am willing to use donor eggs (I am on the waitlist, having taken the class and met with the psychologist), I still want another chance to try on my own.

So, for 2014, I wish for a baby. And I wish for only positive changes in my life and the lives of the people I love.