Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Alphabet Soup

I’ve said before that I don’t visit forums very often. I find them largely counterproductive. Some seem OK, and filled with women who genuinely want to assist others. And if you are in need of support, and can find those forums, then maybe they can help. But a lot of them seem filled with women who want to vent or spread alarmist viewpoints about medication, doctors, etc. I don’t need that drama. I also tend to be rather independent about things. I didn’t use bereavement groups, I’m not a big fan of writers groups, and thus I’m not into fertility support groups either. OK, OK, so I’m an antisocial loner who just doesn’t like groups! So sue me!

Anyway, every so often, I do get curious, and I visit a forum just to see what people are talking about, or to find a possible answer for something that I can’t seem to find anywhere else. Of course, you have to take these answers with a bit of a grain of salt, as most of the responses tend to be anecdotal and not based on medical expertise. But sometimes you do learn a thing or two. Here’s the real issue though - trying to read the posts of these women is like trying to read Arabic. Actually, it’s harder – I can read some Arabic!

The reason for the headache-inducing confusion? Fertility forums are the land of the acronym. I swear, it’s as if full words are forbidden. Now some of the acronyms are fairly easy to decipher (ie: 2WW = 2 week wait – the time roughly between ovulation and the pregnancy test). But others just leave you scratching your head. So, here’s a list of some of the more entertaining acronyms I’ve come across. See how many you can figure out. Answers below.

AF
BB
BD
BFN
BFP
CB
DH
DW
DI
FF
Frostie (not an acronym, but cute!)
FTTA
POAS

So, how did you do? If you got even half of them, I’d be impressed. So, here are the answers. Thanks to RESOLVE for the definitions:

AF                    Aunt Flow (period)
BB                   BooBies (clearly not my cup size!)
BD                   Baby Dance (sex)
BFN                 Big Fat Negative (on pregnancy test)
BFP                 Big Fat Positive (on pregnancy test)
CB                   Cycle Buddy (women going through IVF cycles at same time)
DH                   Dear Husband
DW                  Dear Wife
DI                    Donor Husband (don’t quite get that one)
FF                    Fertility Friend (ie-support groups)
Frostie            Frozen Embryo
FTTA               Fertile Thoughts To All
POAS               Pee On A Stick

For me, right now, the most important of all the acronyms is 2WW. I am in the midst of my 2WW, and drawing ever closer to the pregnancy test on Friday 5/31. Of course, the real test will be if it’s positive Friday, how positive is it, and does it then go up on Sunday 6/1? Because I had the false hope of a pregnancy the last time, and we all know how that worked out. I’m trying not to obsess – trying not to attempt to figure out what every little cramp or odd feeling might mean. Being at Friends Lake helps in one way because it’s relaxing and peaceful here – a good place to pass a stressful time. However, that has its drawbacks because all this rest and relaxation can end up leaving the mind a little too free to overthink things.

So I’m trying to battle that by obsessing over other things, both of which can turn out to be quite good – the sale of my apartment and the prospective job that I am up for. As with everything else, the apartment sale is proving to have some ups and downs. It’s only been listed for two weeks, and we already got an offer. It was a low offer, though ($30K below asking), and I didn’t know quite how to proceed, especially when I learned that two other apartments in my co-op just got into bidding wars and sold for over asking. So we countered by dropping only $5K. The buyers withdrew. Their agent said it had nothing to do with the price, but that they decided they needed more space in case they start a family soon. On the one hand, I’m relieved because then I still have a chance at getting a higher offer – and maybe even getting into a bidding war of our own. On the other hand, the obsessive part of me is afraid I’ll never get another offer. Yes, I know that’s unlikely, especially in a strong market but I think anyone who has read this far into the blog knows that I’m not happy if I’m not obsessing about something.

Oh, if only I could satisfy myself with obsessing over one or two things, though! No, I have to go for the trifecta (a habit with me that I’ll discuss another time). I mentioned a job interview in my last post. It was actually for the type of job I’ve really sought for most of the last 15 years. Why the opportunity is presenting itself now, I’ll never know. It’s for a full-time lecturer position at a school in NYC (sorry, couldn’t resist that acronym!). It’s the perfect job for me – a full-time college teaching job that is based on your teaching credentials and not a research/academic publishing background. The classroom has always been the priority for me and, although I find research interesting, my writing interests have always been of the creative variety. That, and the lack of a PhD, makes me ineligible for most college teaching jobs. But not this one.

I applied for this position in February, after my IVF failed. At that point it looked like it would be at least August before we could find an egg donation match, and so I knew I had to start looking at finding a full-time position for the Fall. But, I didn’t hear anything for months, so I just wrote it off. Then DEB USA became a viable option and “project baby” moved forward again. So, right in the middle of my donor egg cycle, I end up getting called for an interview (which, as stated in the last entry, took place on embryo transfer day). And, I just heard back that they want me to come in for a second interview with the Provost, which will be Thursday, the day before the pregnancy test. Now, it’s still not an offer, but this is the closest I’ve come to this type of job in my whole career. And it raises so many conflicts – what if I do get pregnant and they offer me the job? I want to stay home with my kids, but I also need to establish my long-term career and earning potential – for their sake and my own, especially as a single mom. If I get the job and move to Westchester, what will this mean in terms of commute? Then there are the ethics of pursuing a job and a pregnancy at the same time, but I've done some research into that, and the Pregnancy Discrimination Act (PDA), which protects me in the case of both things coming true at the same time. These are two things that I really want, and I know the job would be good for me, and I would serve the school well. I just hope that, if I do get pregnant, they understand that I was not trying to mislead anyone.

So yeah – with everything else I have to worry about, worrying about whether or not I am pregnant ends up not being first and foremost in my head every minute of the day. Which is good, I suppose, but then I worry what impact all of this worry could have on my potentially growing embryos down there. So, add that worry to the other worries. So now I’m going to create my own acronym: TMW = Too Much Worry.


I think I’ll go eat some ice cream now.

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