Eep!

OK, so an unusual title for a post, I’ll grant you. But, it is appropriate – and accurate – because that’s more or less the sound I made on Thursday morning (8/22), when the Ovulation Kit came up positive for an LH surge. Because that meant – it’s time! 

As much as I was ready for this, the reality that it was time to have the procedure made me very nervous, and a little scared. There really was no turning back at that point. So I called and made arrangements for my first IUI. I went in a couple of hours after the test (at 9:15), because they needed two hours after the “thaw order” was placed for the sperm to be ready.

Given that this was the first time doing this, I didn’t know what to expect. I mean, I had researched it (http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/insemination-procedures-for-infertility), but had no idea if it would be painful. I figured it would be, though, since it requires opening things up down there, and that’s not a highly-trafficked area! And I was right, of course. The procedure is fast, just a couple of minutes, really, plus some time to lie down and let things, um, sink in. But getting in there is tough, at least for me. Yet another reason why I hope this works sooner rather than later. Of course the primary reason I hope for that is that I really want my baby. Also, it will be emotionally difficult to go through this several times. It will also be financially difficult, as each insemination costs me about $300, since it’s not covered (I did two, the second on Friday, to increase my chances). That doesn’t include the cost of the sperm. Then, there is the pain factor. I really don’t want to have to go through that twice a month for however many months.

After Thursday’s procedure, I had some cramping, which is considered normal. I took some Advil and was fine. I met my friend Trish at Starbucks and we talked all about it. It was nice to have someone to talk to after just having, pardon the expression, “taken the plunge.” Trish was really supportive, and getting together did help it all feel a bit more normal. After Friday’s treatment, I felt much better, and I actually went skating. I figured I should go while I can, and skating around on a public session is like walking on the street for me, so no big deal. I was a little worried about getting knocked down, although it was too soon for that to do any damage, as nothing had yet been formed.

Later Friday, though, I started to feel cramps – not like period cramps but, rather, diarrhea-type cramps. It didn’t really amount to anything, and I’m not entirely sure if it was physical or psychological. Because, of course, I’m now obsessing over whether it worked, and whether the slightest little thing can destroy my chances. I feel like I have to do everything all natural – which isn’t a bad thing, but I’m pretty sure I’m overdoing it ( I threw out a perfectly good package of goat cheese because I couldn’t tell if it was pasteurized or not). So today I allowed myself a caffeine-free Coke and a cup of Ramen noodles. I have to be realistic and accept that I’m not suddenly going to go Vegan or all Organic. That said, I do want to be as healthy as possible, because my age is already working against the health of my potential baby. I found some good fruit juices at Agata & Valentina (http://www.agatavalentina.com) that I’m diluting a bit with water (as they are both expensive and a bit rich). I think they may provide an acceptable alternative for Coke. Talk to me again next week, when school starts, though. 

My biggest problem right now is my state of mind. I’m a mess because I really want this to have worked, but I’m afraid to believe it did because I’m afraid of disappointment in a couple of weeks. But then I’m afraid that I will cause it not to work by not believing that it will. Now would be an awesome time to be able to talk to Mom. She’d know what to say to make me feel better, but she wouldn’t sugar-coat it for me. Argh! I really wish she were here.