Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Hey, kids! Get ready for the exciting new product from the makers of Chia Pet – it’s Chia Ovary! Just add water and it grows! OK, so it takes a bit more than water. It takes a ton of expensive, injectable medications that turn you into a human pincushion. Oh, and maybe it doesn’t grow so much. Yes, apparently my brown thumb when it comes to all things gardening extends to trying to grow eggs in my ovaries.

I’ve been trying to write this entry for about a week now, but every time I sat down to do it, something changed, and the direction of the entry seemed to change. It started as a reflection on being a human pincushion. Then it was going to talk about the overall process of medication, bloodwork and ultrasounds. But then I started getting results, and didn’t know what to make of it all. Because, of course, there’s been another setback. Apparently, when taking these medications (Gonal F and Menopur), you should grow at least a half dozen follicles on each ovary. Me – I got 2. Total. On the right side, too, which means doing IUI instead would be out because that’s the side with the blocked tube. There are a couple of smaller follicles too, but the doctor doesn’t feel that they’ll mature in time for retrieval.

So, here’s the deal – going to egg retrieval with only two follicles is a risk. I might not even get two eggs, and if I do, they might not become viable embryos. And if that’s the case, I’m out the money. If I cancel the procedure before retrieval, then the package I paid for will carry over to a new cycle. The problem? Oh, there’s more than one. First, if I cancel now, I’d have to delay until the end of January because of the lead-time needed for the process, the holidays and the fact that I’m going to London in the beginning of January. And, Dr. K. has been pretty clear that, given my age and egg reserves, this may be the best I can do anyway. In fact, in a future cycle, I could do worse. On the other hand, he said that two 39-year-old eggs are better than two 45-year-old eggs, so there’s more hope than if this were even a couple of years down the line.

The long and short is that I’m going ahead with the retrieval, probably on Tuesday. It may be a waste of $12K, but I know two things – 1. I don’t want to wait up to three months to try this, especially if there is little likelihood that I’ll do better in producing eggs. 2. If I delay, and the next cycle turns out worse, I will always (ALWAYS) regret not doing it now.

All my life, I have tried to live without regrets. And the few regrets that I have all have to do with things I didn’t do, not with things that I did. Even when I have done things that did not work out the way that I hoped (and I pray that this is not one of them), I have always at least had the comfort of knowing that I tried. It’s when I back down and get scared, and choose not to take the risk, that I end up wishing that I had. And this is too big to chance regrets. So, maybe I’m about to blow $12K, or maybe I’m about to get pregnant. After all, two eggs is one more than I really need, right?