So, a little late, I admit – that’s the reality when there’s
literally hundreds of papers to grade, I’m afraid. Not to mention, all the
paperwork I’ve been reviewing and filing in order to create my firstborn (hope
I didn’t actually somehow sign away my firstborn, thus negating this whole
process!). In fact, such are the
vagaries of grading papers and filling out paperwork, that this entry started
on Wednesday, and it’s now Sunday. Oh, well – onward.
I promised to outline the process, and that began with
attending an IVF class. Apparently I have to do that every cycle, although next
time it will be ½ price. By the way, every time I list a price, feel free to
mentally (or verbally) shout, “Ch-ching!”, or something similar. So, the class
cost $150 for the two-hour session (go ahead, I’ll wait.). In it, we went
through a PowerPoint about the IVF process and then watched part of the IVF lab
video I mentioned in the last post (the video kept freezing, so we had to
stop). Then we went through the litany of medications that I’ll need to take.
Most are injections, so it’s soon to be pincushion time.
That's a lot of Medication!!
Oh, and since my insurance won’t cover any of this, they
told me that the meds will cost me between $4000-$6000 (all together now…
“ch-ching!”). I applied for assistance with the cost through a program called
Compassionate Care (LINK), but that nearly fell through since they lost the
email that I sent with the enrollment information. After being encouraged by
Keith to “make a stink,” given that I had applied in time, but they lost the
stuff, a very helpful woman by the name of Shamika was able to fast-track my
application, and I got the approval just in time on Friday. When I picked up
the meds on Saturday, I found myself quite grateful for Keith’s urging and
Shamika’s efficiency, because the reality is that, although I got 75% coverage
on most of the medications, the total out of pocket was still $3000 (and,
“ch-ching!”). Of course, that means that, without the coverage, it would have
been much higher than they originally quoted me.
Of course, the meds are only the beginning. There’s
monitoring, blood tests, ultrasounds, and of course the extraction,
fertilization and implantation. At that, boys and girls, costs even more money.
About $10K to be precise for one cycle (Holy “ch-ching!”). RMA directed me to
another company, ARC Fertility (LINK), which offers packages and financing. Despite
the large price tag, though, I don’t want to finance because finance charges
will just make it even more expensive in the long run (even though my credit
score would put me on the lower end of the financing charges). Technically, I
have the money to do it, by taking money out from the beneficiary IRA. I pay a
high tax penalty (sigh, “ch-ching!”) on those withdrawals, but I still think
it’s better than stretching out payments with finance charges over time. Plus,
it’s one less line of credit to worry about, especially if I need to shop for a
new apartment any time soon.
ARC offers what they call “Cycle-plus” packages. Which
basically mean that you pay them and they cover however many fresh and frozen
cycles are in your package. So, for a One Cycle-plus, it’s one cycle with
freshly fertilized embryos and one cycle with frozen embryos. That package
costs $12,900 (yep, “ch-ching!”). So, here’s the thing, if I don’t get pregnant
on the first cycle, and there are embryos left to freeze, then the second cycle
will end up being a lot cheaper than if I pay RMA directly, cycle by cycle.
However, if I get pregnant the first time, or there are no viable embryos to
freeze, the cycle is considered complete, and I’m basically out the extra 2,900
bucks. Of course, as Keith pointed out, if I get pregnant the first time, then
I won’t be too upset about the money because I’ll be happy that I’m pregnant.
Fair enough. But that money is another month’s mortgage, maintenance, cable,
electric, garage… Still, I can’t plan on it working the first time, so I have
to hope there are viable embryos and that they can freeze them. Then I’ll be happy
I took the package, which was the decision I ultimately made. The other
downside is that, if I get pregnant, and then lose the baby, the cycle is still
considered complete, and so any further frozen cycle would not be covered.
Also, if there are no embryos worthy of freezing, I don’t get a refund either.
So basically, between Friday and Saturday, I spent about
$16,000 (“ch-“ oh, forget it!). That’s a boatload of money to spend in two days.
On the bright side, I put it all on AmEx, which means more points for another
trip somewhere – kid or no kid. It also occurred to me that my perspective of
looking upon it as an investment is ever so slightly flawed. Investments bring
a return, if you’re lucky. And, yes, this investment will hopefully bring the
return of a healthy baby. But, it occurred to me that this is the only type of
investment that, if successful, will actually cost you more money for the next
few decades!
Then, of course, we come to the title of this entry. This
refers to a (mostly) joking conversation that Keith, my sister-in-law Angela,
and I had at his birthday dinner last week. We were going over the costs that
I’ve just outlined, and discussing the clinical nature of all of this. My
darling brother decided it would be appropriate to point out that, for that
kind of money, I could have paid a male escort to get me pregnant, and it would
have been a hell of a lot more fun! Further discussion addressed the merits of
Craigslist classifieds and stalking a certain Scottish actor. Ah, if only…
I have to say that, as much as I love how close Keith and I
are, I couldn’t quite believe that we were having that conversation. Not what
you would typically discuss with your brother. Of course, if I were totally
honest, I’d have to admit that Mom, Dad and I would probably have had a similar
conversation in jest if they were still around. Yeah, my family’s got a twisted
sense of humor. But that’s what gets us through the sludge and muck on the road
of life (especially since I don’t really drink!).
So, no, I don’t get to do it the fun way, especially since I
don’t want to be arrested for stalking. Oh well. If this is how it has to be,
then OK. So they grow my kid in a lab. Doesn’t make the kid any less special,
or any less mine. Of course, it will make our “Where babies come from”
conversation a bit different from the kid’s little school friends.
“When a Mommy can’t meet a Daddy, but she really wants a baby, she goes to a lab….”
Did we really just have that conversation?
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