"I gave you a baby and you gave me an F?!"

It’s really amazing the things that suddenly matter when you start researching sperm donors. I went into this process thinking that I only had a few physical requirements: I want someone tall, so no one under 5 foot 10 (I want to give my kids a fighting chance, given the short genes on Mom’s side of the family). I also want a Caucasian donor. My reason for this is fairly simple – as the sole biological parent, I want my child to look as much like me as possible. If I were in a relationship with someone of another race, or if I adopt a child from abroad, it’s a non-issue. But, I’m not. So, it just seems to make sense to have a Caucasian donor. After that, the medical history seemed to be the most important factor (to make sure there are no genetic diseases I need to worry about). Simple, right?

Until I actually started searching! Once I started to review profiles, I realized just how many other factors are important to me. Some are out of my control. I confirmed that my blood type is O+, so I have no restrictions on RH factor. But I am CMV negative, which means I am restricted to a CMV negative donor. I made an error in my earlier post about CMV status, actually. Because I am negative, I need to make sure I don’t get exposed to the virus during pregnancy. If I were already exposed, it wouldn’t matter. At any rate, being restricted to negative donors narrows the field considerably. Which is good in one sense because the number of eligible donors is not so intimidating. But it’s frustrating to find a donor you like, only to see that he’s CMV positive.

Once those biological issues are dealt with, I started to discover other crucial factors. For example, I didn’t think it mattered to me whether the donor expressed a religious affiliation. After all, I’m a bit of a lapsed Catholic myself.  But I do have faith, and I found myself turned off by the donors who categorized themselves as Agnostic or Atheist. As my friend, Angela, said, “You have to believe in something.” So, another search parameter ended up being “Christian.” Now, hair color and eye color don’t matter, but it occurred to me that hair type and texture do. I have very thick, curly (to the point of frizzy) hair that I always need to straighten to be able to manage it. So, there’s another parameter -  Curly-haireds need not apply. Straight or wavy is OK, and thickness isn’t necessarily an issue. But I don’t want to have to teach my kid how to use straightening irons by the time he or she is three!

So then we move on to personal and lifestyle criteria (beyond religion, as stated above). By this point, I really started to feel like I was reading profiles on eHarmony or match.com, rather than a sperm bank! Is he a cat person or a dog person (not a deal-breaker, but, you know…)? What’s his favorite movie? Play? Song? What are his hobbies? There are so many things that you learn about these donors, that you can’t help but start to think you’re looking for a mate, rather than just a vial!

But, the truth is, certain personality and lifestyle factors do matter. For example, during my research, I found out just how important intellect and education are to me in a donor. I’m smart and educated, so that gives my kid a good chance of being smart. But I suddenly felt like a well-educated donor was critical. Now the truth is, a high percentage of donors are college students, so I had to judge by GPA and course of study, rather than their degrees, but some are in or have completed grad school. And there’s another factor – I am a creative person, very interested in the arts, writing, etc. Maybe it would be a good idea to choose a donor who is good in math, science and all those analytical-type subjects that are not my strong suit. If I choose an artsy type, I feel like my kid won’t have a balanced skill set.

That, in itself, could help determine which sperm bank I use. It’s down to Fairfax Cryobank (http://www.fairfaxcryobank.com) and California Cryobank (https://www.cryobank.com), for reasons I will explain momentarily. At Fairfax, there is a much wider range of academic interests and professions (including a number of donors who possess graduate degrees). At California, there’s a lot of out of work actors – also an issue at the New York banks. I’ve got nothing against out of work actors, and I think it’s kind of funny to imagine that, at 18, my kid could look up the biological dad and find out that he’s turned out to be an Oscar winner! But, that goes back to the like interests and education issues. I just think that more diversity in that regard would be an asset to my child.

The final, extremely important deciding factor has turned out to be whether the donor is an Anonymous Donor or an ID Disclosure Donor. Because my child won’t have a father in his or her life, I know there will be a lot of questions of identity. It’s important to me to give my child the option of meeting his or her father down the line. So, it was an easy choice to limit my selections to ID Disclosure Donors. These donors agree to be known to their child upon the child’s eighteenth birthday. It seems, from my research, that about 1/3 of the donors agree to this. I applaud them for that, and I am grateful because I know how hard it can be for kids to discover a true sense of their own identity and I don’t want to rob my child of that opportunity. Now maybe my child won’t choose to look up his or her father at eighteen, but the option needs to be available.

And that is why I have narrowed the choice of bank to California and Fairfax. Because something else occurred to me in my early research, and I voiced it to my doctor. It was a funny moment, actually, because when I said I had an unusual reason for what’s probably a common question, he said, “After twelve years of doing this, trust me, I’ve heard it all.” So I asked him about using a local New York bank versus having sperm shipped from elsewhere. He said it was not a problem, and that most of their clients use out-of-state banks. They just have to be NY State certified (NY has among the highest standards in the country). Then he asked my reason, and I said, “Well, I’ve noticed that a high percentage of donors are college students. I’m a college professor. I’m a bit creeped out by the thought that one of my students could be my baby daddy.”

After he stooped laughing, he said, “OK, I was wrong. I haven’t heard that one before!” But it’s true – the thought that my donor could be sitting in my classroom just has a really high creep factor! And then, since I have selected ID Disclosure, that would mean that, if and when my child chooses to meet the dad, there’s the potential for a very awkward meeting between the dad and me:

“Professor Cleary? Is that you?”

“Um, yeah. Sorry, do we know each other?”

“I was in your freshman comp class!”

“Oh, um, right. You wrote the research paper on The War on Terror right?”

“Yeah. You know, you gave me an F!”

And there you have it. It’s just not a risk worth taking. Better to search farther afield for the baby daddy and avoid those potential awkward meetings nineteen or twenty years from now.  Besides, there’s plenty of sperm in the sea, right?