The Road So Far

I’m fully aware that there will be mixed reaction when my baby plan goes public. And by public, I don’t mean this blog. I’m referring to when the extended family finds out. So far, I’ve kept this Op classified. Only my brother, Keith, and my close friends know about it. I have varying reasons for keeping the plan quiet. For one thing, it’s not really anyone’s business. Normal couples who get pregnant wait at least three months to let people know, and that’s my intention. But I did want to share my plan with some people so that I could have the support during the process that I would normally have gotten from Mom and Dad. But, of course, I don’t have Mom and Dad anymore, so I needed to rely on my friends for that support.

 I also don’t want the family knowing until it’s a fait accompli because I don’t want to deal with the comments. And I know there will be many. I’m not sure how much will be said to me directly, but I know the phone lines and cyberspace will be burning up. “Kristen’s doing what?!” The shock and awe will largely stem from that reputation that gave birth (heh, heh) to the name of this blog. I’m the good girl who has always done what was expected of me. And I guarantee, no one expects this. So, when the news hits the fam, the shit will hit the fan.

A lot of the reaction I know will be well-meaning. People will wonder if I’ve thought this through. They’ll think I’m panicking because I’m nearing 40 and don’t have a man. They’ll think I just miss my parents too much and am trying to compensate. They’ll think I have no idea what I’m getting myself into. Well, that last one could be accurate, but I’m doing it anyway!

Then there’s the other side. There are members of my family (as well as some of my parents’ friends) who are rather conservative. They will have a lot of difficulty accepting something so non-traditional as becoming a Single Mother By Choice. It goes against their strongly held beliefs about what makes a family. And they’ll think that my parents would be appalled. I already know there is some sentiment in that direction, having experimentally shared the news with a friend of Mom’s several months ago. Her immediate reaction was that I need to try internet dating and meet a man because I have no idea how hard it will be to be a single mom. Again, I know that her intentions were good, and born of genuine concern for me. But, that conversation just solidified my resolution not to share it with anyone else until there is a bun thoroughly baking in the oven.

The truth is, I’m not looking for anyone’s approval – the only people whose approval mattered to me were Mom and Dad, and of course, Keith. I would, however, like people’s support. This is going to be a long, lonely road, with a lot of struggles, and I could benefit from knowing that people are in my corner. But, in the end, if people can’t get past being scandalized, then I will just have to limit my communication with them. It would be a shame, but I can’t have that kind of

negativity around me.

(Our Family Through the Years)

Like I said, Mom, Dad and Keith are the only ones whose opinions really mattered in the end – in other words, the only ones who might have made me rethink the plan at all. My friends have been amazingly supportive, as I knew they would be. But if they hadn’t been, it wouldn’t have changed my mind. I just would have been a bit sad about it. Keith thinks I’m crazy, but he’s supportive. In fact, his exact words the last time we talked about it were, “You’re insane. But it’s all going to work out.” I don’t think he knows just how much that meant to me (the second part, I mean).

In some ways, this entry is for all of those loved ones who may struggle with my decision. Because I think that at the root of their concern will be what they imagine my parents might have thought about this if they were still alive. People have certain perceptions of my parents, and I don’t think they are entirely accurate. My parents were good people – the best people, really. They cared about others and would always be the ones to step forward when someone needed help. They were people of faith, too (even though Daddy struggled with that at times). I think some people believe, therefore, that my parents had conservative views that matched their Catholic upbringing. But, in reality, my parents were fairly liberal about a lot of things – especially people. What a person was (white, black, straight, gay) meant nothing to them in the face of who the person was. And an unconventional life choice would never get in the way of their love for someone.

And that’s the thing – they already knew about the baby plan. This is not a decision I have made because I’m approaching forty and suddenly am having a mid-life fertility crisis. I’ve thought about this for at least the last ten years. You see, certain stages in life seem to have passed me by. I don’t really know why, but I’ve never been a drinker or a partier and I’ve never been a dater. Seriously, I could count on my hand the number of dates I’ve been on in my adult life. For whatever reason, men always seem to see me as friend material, not date material.

So, by my late twenties, I started to think about becoming a single mother down the road if the dating/relationship thing continued on its apparent trajectory. Mom, Dad and I actually used to joke when I was in the Foreign Service that I could just bring a kid home from every post I went to. Well, I did get my neurotic schnauzer, Cali, in Mexico! Of course, it was in Mexico that Dad’s health took a turn and I came home to help Mom take care of him until he died. Then, I came home permanently to be with Mom, which turned out to be a good thing since she got sick only seven months later. In the 3 1/3 years that Mom and I had together before she passed, we talked a lot about me having kids. Keith has never had kids with his wife Angela, for various reasons, including her health. So Mom and Dad had to settle for being grandparents to a granddog (whom they loved dearly).

Mom and I talked so much about what we would do if and when I had kids. We discussed getting a place together in the City, taking my kids to museums and on trips, going to Yankee games, and of course, going to our house at Friends Lake. She was so excited about the prospect of being a grandmother, and truly believed she would live to see it happen. And so did I. It’s hard now, continuing on this road without her – without both of them. But Mom and Dad were all about family, and I know that they would be happy at the thought that our family will continue on.

After they were both gone, I knew I needed some time to figure out who I was without them. My whole life I was Haydee and Joe’s daughter. And, like them, family was everything to me. But once I had lost them, I needed to figure out what my identity was now. Turns out, family is still the most important thing to me. So, after my year in London after Mom died, I made a three year plan – what I wanted to accomplish by forty. And a baby was the top of the list. If things go well, I should have that baby before my fortieth birthday. Everything I’ve done over the last two years since getting back from London has been designed to make that possible.

I hope that, when those that have trouble with this decision read this blog, they will have a better understanding of why I am doing this. I know to the casual reader that it may seem like I am not be giving my family enough credit. But, honestly, I do believe in them. I’m not blind to people’s views, or to the fact that many will say things that they may later regret. But I truly believe that their feelings for me will eventually overcome any difficulty they have with accepting my choice. And I believe that they ultimately will accept me, and my baby. Because, in the end, family is everything.